This is not an article on teen pregnancy but on the far more topical issue of how to face your child’s emergence into puberty at the same time your doctor tells you “No, it isn’t menopause. It’s a baby.” I feel I am well qualified to write on this subject, having just completed a joint nine-month on-the-job training course with my sixteen year old daughter.
Be prepared. Once you are over the shock and your husband has gone off somewhere muttering “I can’t go through this again,” you will have to tell your teenager. Your teenager’s reaction to your pregnancy will be one of shock and disbelief, followed quickly by puritanical disapproval. Not only have you committed the ultimate irresponsibility of getting pregnant just when she’s going to turn sixteen but this is proof that her parents are still fooling around —- at their age. What will her friends think? She will probably put off telling them until the last minute, preferably after the baby has been home a few weeks.
Your teenager will positively love the first trimester. Morning sickness will keep you from seeing the mini-skirt and torn t-shirt ensembles she has chosen to wear to school Since you will be unable to stay awake past the 6 o’clock news, she can rush through her homework and stay up late watching sitcoms about families who dress their kids the way she thinks you could afford to dress her if only you hadn’t gotten pregnant. She will instantly see that fatigue makes your mind a little hazy and you will actually take her word for it that she really did clean all that junk out from under her bed. She will considerately let you sleep in on Saturday because it means she doesn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to sort laundry. And since the thought of food makes you nauseous she will happily fix her own dinner of shrimp out of a can, a peanut butter and banana sandwich, potato chips, soda, and a hot fudge sundae for dessert.
During the second trimester, when you are feeling better, your teenager will be feeling worse. You can put your foot down, while you can still see it about the mini-skirt. As long as you can bend over you can check under her bed. She will benefit from your pizza and ice-cream attacks, and enjoy tagging along to the mall where she can hang out with her friends while you shop the maternity and baby stores. You will notice, however, that she tends to walk several feet behind you just in case any of her friends see you and wonder why you are suddenly so fat. As your pregnancy becomes more obvious your teenager with become less so in public. I mean, it’s SO embarrassing.
Be warned that during the last trimester your teenager will be “totally grossed out” by everything you do. She will view your Lamaze exercises as proof that your mind has been subverted by some strange cult. Discussions about breastfeeding and natural childbirth will be greeted with cries of “Oh MO-O-O-MMM! That’s so disgusting!” She’ll wonder why the nursery has to be set up in the spare bedroom and where is she supposed to store her summer clothes now? Can’t the baby sleep in a box or something? All of the names you pick out will be icky and all of the clothes you buy will get the same response — “That’s so ugly!”
Throughout the entire pregnancy, your teenager will voice a variety of opinions on a variety of subjects.
Names – “I think we should name it Justin or Zac or Fergie or Taylor”
Social life – “How could you do this to me?”
Household help – “I hope you don’t expect me to babysit.”
Household chores – “All I can say is, it better help with the dishes.”
Procreation – “I knew this would happen if you two kept on fooling around.”
Birth control – “This wouldn’t have happened if you’d kept an aspirin between your knees.”
Driving – “Does the car seat have to stay there?”
Breastfeeding – “Mom, they’ll hang down to your knees if you do that!”
Gender – “I don’t care what it is as long as it stays out of my room.”
Fashion – “Can I have that silk blouse you’re too big to wear anymore?”
Childbirth – “Oh, that’s just wrong.”
Exercise – “What do you mean ‘breathing’?”
Generosity – “It can NOT have my Pookie bear!”
Arts – “I guess I’ll have to keep my stereo turned way down now.”
Beauty – “How come your face is all blotchy?”
Weight – “Well, I wouldn’t use the word ‘fat’.”
Things aren’t always so bleak though. Particularly when your teenager presents you with a crib blanket she crocheted because she started out to make an afghan for her yellow and black room and made it in yellow and white by mistake so it really matches the kid’s room, y’know. Or when your feet are so swollen you think you’ll never see your ankles again and she offers you a foot massage. Or on the day you’ve gained 30 pounds and she says “You know mom, it’s true, pregnant women do glow.” Or when she comes back from the mall with a CD titled “Baby’s Favorite Lullabies” instead of Lady Gaga’s latest. Or on that day she visits you in the hospital with yellow roses and says “Mom, I hope I can be as good a sister as you’ve been a mother.”
Yes, going through pregnancy and puberty can be a trying, yet rewarding time for both mother and daughter. I wouldn’t want to go through it again. In fact I’m not looking forward to living with a teen in puberty as I enter my 50’s. That’s why I’ve decided that on the baby’s 13th birthday — I’m sending it to live with its sister.
Note: I wrote this in 1988, while pregnant with my youngest daughter as my oldest turned sweet sixteen. It’s mostly true.
